My Kids are here!

Mike and Conni arrived today and will stay until later in the week. It is great to have them here.
I spent the day cooking and trying to get things done that I won't be able to do for awhile. Don't know why I worry about it but it is something I have done every time I have surgery. I hate laying around and seeing things that should have been done.

Not much noteworthy tonight so guess I'd better get some sleep. Besides I am doing this in the living room and Mike is complaining that he wants to go to sleep and he is on the couch.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 62 years old. I am grateful to be having a birthday and will never complain about my age again.

So good night and sweet dreams.

Love you all K.

I Miss Eddie and Ronnie!

Eddie left today for Ukiah and Santa Rosa. Mom is still sick so she won't be there for surgery. Hopefully she will be better by the end of the week when I am home. Iam really going to miss her.

I spent the day cleaning house and doing laundry. Put the dogs in their pen today for about an hour to see how they will do and besides a little barking they were fine.

I am kicked back in my recliner typing this on my lap top and it is great. I love it. It is 8:30 P.M. and I don't think I have eaten anything today so better do something about that soon, though I'm not even hungry.

I talked to Marina for quite awhile. She is great to talk with. Carol M. called today too and it was great talking to her too. I am so much better when I can talk to someone for even a little while about this insane disease. It is a horid, stinking, sickening, putrid, suckie disease. BUT for the moment I feel just fine. Wierd huh?

When I take a break from whatever I am doing and I stop to think about it, I have to say to myself, "I have cancer". I have to say it emphatically or it doesn't sink in and then it only has merit for the moment. The next time it comes to mind I have to do it all over again. I don't know why, maybe it is the minds way of coping with something so devastating.

I think most of us have had bad things happen and when you wake up in the morning it takes a moment for the reaization of that bad thing to come to you. Well that is happening to me every day now. When I wake up I know something is wrong but it truely takes that moment to remember what it is. It doesn't upset me it just reminds me that I have to get through another day and try to do the best I can.

I miss Eddie. I will miss him even more tomorrow morning. He is almost always up before me and as soon as he knows I am awake he runs in and gives me hugs and kissses then brings me coffee. He is so good for and to me.

I know we all think it is someone else that gets cancer. I know I did and I don't think I have gotten passed thinking that.

I remember when I learned that my brother had LC. I got a phone call from Mom. We lived just a couple of blocks from each other. She said Ronnie was there and he wanted me to come down so he could talk to me. I told my husband, "I don't want to go down there". My instincts told me that our lives were going to change for the worse. When I walked in the door he was standing there waiting for me and said, "I have lung caner". I remember throwing my purse across the room and starting to cry. At that moment I was so angry and it was about my feelings and the loss I was afraid of. Then I turned back to him for hugs. I miss Ronnie.

I love you all K.

Pre-op at Mercy Medical Center

Today is Friday A.M. Yesterday was rough mentally and emotionally. Had to go for pre-op tests and pre-admission which means we don't have to do anything but show up on Tuesday. I guess each day that I am closser (?) to surgery makes it more real. When the RN was taking my info I started to tear up and when I was standing at the X-Ray machine I started again. At that point I got p----- off and just made myself stop. I also took a chill pill and that helped. They took 5 viles of blood to type and cross match just in case I need transfusions. The tech did a good job, no veins blown and no bruising. Anyway I'm now wearing a blue wrist band the has my blood record number on it. One piece of good news is that I'm allowed to take a chill pill along with all my meds before I leave home Tuesday morning. That will really help.

I guess most people know that my older brother Ronnie died of this same terrible desease in 1984. He must be following me through this as I experience some of the same procedures he did. I can feel his strength when I start to feel down. He never complained through 3+ years of some of the most horrid timesyou could imagine.

Mom was sick yesterday and we are worried whe won't be able to come up. Eddie is supposed to stay with her tonight and she is planning on returning here with him tomorrow. Problem is that we can't chance he or me being exposed to ANYTHING contagious. Praying that she is better
today. It will break her heart and mine if she can't be here. If it takes a few days though for her to re-coop I do have a wonderful friend (Diane)that has offered to bring her up if necessary. I am SO LUCKY and SOOOOOOOOOOOO.... GRATEFUL for the wonderful friends and family I am blessed with.

Eddie is heading out for Ukiah in a couple of hours and I am going turn the Nashville music channel on and clean house. My plan is to have a great day and hope you do to.
Love to you all K.

A Day Off

We went to Dr. S. yesterday, in Weaverville, and I had an EKG & an Echocardiogram. His tech, Lee is the one that did them and as we were talking I realized she is the same Lee that was in surgey with me when I had the bronch. A great gal. Doc says my heart is great. Thank you God. At least something is good.

We have the day off and Eddie is doing stuff around the house. Putting up the dog kennel outside for Slick and Gypsy (our small dogs) and the zip line for Dee Cee ( our Queensland). We decided it will be bette for them to be outsde in case he has some late days next week.

I went in and had Laurie cut my hair this afternoon. It will be more managable while I'm in the hospital. Today has not been one of my better days. In fact it has been the one of the worse. I felt nauseated this A.M. but think it was and is mental and emotional. That did pass after a couple of hours thanks goodness but the "Oh Crap" feeling is still here. Thinking that having a day off isn't good for me. We are going to AA tonight and then tomorrow is my pre-op at Mercy. Have to be there at 9:30 A.M. Having things scheduled to do is better for me.

Eddie is leaving for Ukiah and Santa Rosa on Friday and will be back on Saturday night with my mom. I am going to spend the days cleaning house and catching up on laundry etc. Mike and Conni will be here on Sunday. It will be good to have them all here. We will probably play Poker or something.

BY THE WAY I am doing this on my new lap top. Coo huh! Well I think it is.

Ok all I think that is all for now. I'll talk at ya all later. Love you all K.

The Merry Go Round continues:

We went to Mercy Medical Center today for pulmonary function tests. These test were to evelauate my emphysema and cronic bronchitis. Both are relevant to how I'll do during and after the lung surgery. ( Don't ever let anyone stick a needle straight into you wrist if you have a choice.) They drew blood from the artery to test the oxygen in the blood. Then the tech spent the next hour and a half having me blow in and out of a tube. Even closed me in a clear acrylic booth for a few of them. Some of the test I did ok on but some not so well.

We went from there over to Dr. Schepps office to ask a few questions of the nurse and found out that they were trying to get ahold of us to change the surgery date. My general surgeon wants to assist (were glad) and is going to be gone all of April so wouldn't be available for the 8th. Anyway the date is now April 1, 2008. Don't know the time yet but should find out tomorrow. The nurse says I'll probably be in 4-5 days.

After we finished there we went shopping and my Dear Sweet Husband bought me a lap top for my birthday. Now I can keep in touch with all of you while I am re-cooperating. I also bought some sweats for running around the hospital.

Went out for dinner at the Olive Garden then, we sang with the Statler brothers and Emmie Lou most of the way home.

We were going to Ukiah and Santa Rosa this next weekend but now I am going to stay home and Eddie is going.

I am really glad the date is sooner. I want it over with. Tomorrow is the appt with Dr. Stemple for the cardio work up. Then one day back to Mercy for pre-op blood work.

As for you Eddie M........... have you heard that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family? That's bull! Welcome to the family!

Guess that's about it for tonight. See ya all tomorrow. Love you all Karen

Finally a plan of action...

Saw the new Dr. S. today. When his nurse called us in she immediately gave me a hug and said that was from Jenny at Dr. H's. Dr S. is the thoracic surgeon. A really great guy and took all the time in the world with us. Complete exam, talked about previous tests such as the CA-125 which, I think relates to cancer antigens. Mine is elevated some but not much. White blood count is up probably due to the bronchitis. I am still on antibiotics. He thinks I have probably had chronic bronchitis for the past year.

NOW ......surgery is set for April 8th at Mercy hospital. The mediastonoscopy is out. Can't reach the lymph node through the chest because it is behind the aorta. So the plan is to go in from the left side with 3-4 small incisions and tools. He is going to cut out what they think is the cancer in a wedge shape. It is close to the outside edge so looks easy to reach. Then he is going to push the lung aside and go after the lymph node. At this point a pathologist will come into surgery test both the lymph node and the nodule. They will know immediately if it is small cell or non small cell. Small cell is what we are hoping for as it could go into remission for a long time with treatment. There is like a 20% chance of that. The cancer is either a stage 1 which means it is just the nodule that is malignant or a stage 3A which means the nodule and lymph node are malignant. The latter pretty much sucks and means he will remove the entire upper lobe of that lung. Either way I will have to undergo chemo and probably radiation. (Don't even try to imagine me bald. It won't be a pretty picture.) We at least feel he has given us a lot more options. Don't know how long the hospital stay will be.

I go to Mercy Hospital in Redding this coming Monday for lung function tests because of the emphysema and Tuesday to Dr. S. in Weaverville (cardioligist) for a cardio workup. Closer to Surgery date I'll go to Mercy again for the usual pre-op tests. Blood etc.

So after Tuesday we have a break and are planning on a trip to Ukiah and Santa Rosa late in the week. Both Eddie and I have daughters in Santa Rosa, Conni and Tawni (about 5 minutes apart) so we are going to visit them. Also Tawni's daughter, our grandaughter Shelby is in an ice skating competition on Saturday the 29th. We are excited about seeing her perform. She is almost 12. When we come home we are bringing my mom with us for a few weeks.

I have a cousin Dal and his wife Marina who live in Red Bluff and we went there for dinner after my appt today. I am really sorry for all of you that they aren't your cousins. Marina is one of the best cooks I know. Dal just went through emergency heart surgery a few weeks ago and is doing wonderful. Now we just found out that his brother has even more serious heart problems so our prayers are going out to him as well. Well all, thanks again for your support, love and prayers. Love you all K.

Visit with Dr. H.

CHANGE OF PLANS: WE ARE NOT GOING TO U.C DAVIS........We have decided we can get what we need in Redding and be closer to home. Appointment with Dr. H. at 10:15 Wed morning. We already knew that the last procedure wasn't successful but he very clearly said that because there were no cells gathered DOES NOT mean I don't have lung cancer. I DO. Jenny in his office and Patty with Dr Stemple have to be two of the greatest front office managers in the world. I don't know that, office manager is their title, but they certainly know how to take care of their patients. I've never been treated better. Eddie even gets hugs.
We are now scheduled for a cardio, pulminary workup with Dr. Stemple in Weaverville next Tues. This is in prep for possible surgery.
Today 3:00 PM scheduled with Dr. Schepp in Redding. He is a thoracic surgeon at and does this type of surgery in Mercy Hospital. Several options: a mediastonoscopy(we're learning new big words) to biopsy lymph nodes in the chest, surgery to remove a wedge of the lung where the BOOGER (not a technical term, mine) is, or removal of a lobe of the left lung. A lot of this I THINK is going to depend on what shape my lungs are in from the emphysema. Can I tolerate the removal of a lobe and still have enough lung capacity. Lots of paperwork to fill out for the new Doc. Anxioty, sick stomach, lethargy all are becoming part of my daily being and it's time to STOP IT. We need to stay motivated and it's hard when we are in these holding patterns. When I am facing surgery I want it done yesterday. Once again thanks to everyone for listening for that is essentially what you are doing by sharring this blog with me. Thanks also to our local AA group who have become my support group through this. Those of you who have never been involved in AA probably can't understand how important these people have become to me. It really isn't necessary that you do and I won't try to explain. It is just one of those things that just is and I am grateful to each and every one of them. Love you all, K.

Back to Square 1...

We really are feeling tonight like we are back to square one. Dr. K. called late this afternoon to tell us that the test results are in on the Bronchial B/W procedure they did on Wed last week. It was not successful. They didn't collect any cancer cells. We had so hoped that we would know what we are dealing with by tomorrow but it's not to be. Eddie and I both wanted to scream. We swore, I cried, he hugged me and then we watched a movie and American Idol. What else can we do? NOTHING!!! We have an appointment with Dr. H. tomorrow at 10:15 AM. I told Mike about Eddie wanting to buy a chemo kit off of ebay and he said that he would start watching the yard sales. I SO appreciate everyone's help. I love you all and will report on the Drs. visit tomorrow.

Another night of not sleeping clear through. Doesn't take much to wake me up. Once I'm up even for a minute a couple of the dogs want out then I have to wait for them to finish chasing whatever smell they think they have followed into the woods. Anyway this is the time that my thoughts run amuck. We spent yesterday in Hyampom at C and J's. They are redoing their deck and Eddie was able to help Joe put up some huge beams . I watched Carol fix spaghetti while we talked. She is a great listener and easy to talk to.
They have offered to go to our next appt with us on Wed. I love them for that but haven't decided yes or no. Thinking maybe we might need to face this one on our own. I am afraid of what Dr. Harwood is going to tell us and how I'll react. (Possibilities) *They weren't able to gather cells for typing and I'll have to go through the next yuckie procedure, they did gather cells and the type is REALLY crappy.Then again maybe it'll be somewhat good news and the type will be THE ONE we can treat. Everyone says the waiting is so hard. In the past I've always agreed but somehow this is different for me. Now i'ts the part where the Dr. says what he KNOWS. Will I cry, scream, pass out? Be grateful that I have the treatable kind? Eddie says if they don't hurry up and figure out the treatment I need he is going to buy a chemo kit off of ebay and do it himself. He really wants a plan of action in place. Right now though I really feel calm and at peace about all of this. Maybe because I don't have any control at this moment, and know that Eddie has his thumb on the issues at hand. WHAT IS, IS and we have to take it as it comes.

Our company has left and it is beautiful in Hayfork today. A little cool but sure pretty. Eddie and I are both a little sluggish so we are having a lazy day watching TV, snacking on chocolate cake, chips and salsa and anything else that we can dig out.

AW SHIT!

This is my first blog entry and this is from the diary I started on the March 4th, 2008. From today forward THIS WILL BE my diary. I am inviting every one but most especially my family and friends to join me here.

Tuesday March 4th late at night ..I can't sleep tonight because I still have bronchitis and am coughing hard.

Tuesday March 4th ...I went to see Maureen at Hayfork Health Clinic about my bronchitis. This is my second bout of it since the first of the year. I had coughed a tinge of blood so she did an X-ray. It showed "SOMETHING". Oh crap!

Wednesday March 5th...(Eddie's 62 birthday) They order a CT Scan in Weaverville and IT showed "SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS". Oh double crap!

Thursday March 6th...I got a call from Jenny at Dr. Harwood's office. Dr Krouse wants him to see me tomorrow. Sounds ominous.

Friday March7th...We had a not so pleasant visit with Dr. Harwood as he didn't sound very optimistic. Good possibility that it is the "BIG C". There is for sure a nodule in the left lung as well as some enlarged lymph nodes in the same lung. We discussed all the possibilities we could think of: Maybe it isn't cancer and we can just keep an eye on it... maybe it's small cell and can be treated with chemo ...maybe is't non small cell and that's not so treatable. Be careful what questions you ask the Dr. You may not like tha answers. And I didn't.
I left a sputum sample at the hospital to test for cancer cells. Now they've ordered a PET SCAN in Redding at M.D. Nuclear Imaging for Wednesday March 12th. It requires a radioactive injection so now my eyes will paobably glow gree. I've always liked green eyes. This though will tell us positively if I have cancer in my lung or anywhere else.
GOD THIS SUCKS BIG TIME and we just have to wait.

Saturday March 8th...A good day. People are calling. At least the ones that we have told and arene't afraid to talk to us about what is happening. Conni, Mike, Mom, Monica, Janie, Cecelia. Talking to people really helps me cope. I love you all so much for listening and being there for Eddie and me. Janie and Vince are coming up on Tuesday and going to go to the PET with us. You didn't even ask Janie. Thanks for that. You are such a great friend. Eddie finally got the pick- up fixed and we took it to town to get the mail. I raked the annual pine needles out of the flower beds. Don't know why that is so theraputic but it seems to be. Even with the existing emphysema raking has always been something I can do. We also went to the annual Little Reno night and Ropin' Rhonda's. Eddie played black jack and we got some pretty cool gifts with his winnings. It was great being out of the house and just visiting with people. .Eddie is my rock and helping to keep me gounded. Don't know what I would do without him through this. Probably just curl up in a ball. All day today I did just great mentally. Joking about this occasionally and trying to keep it light. Saying it may turn out just fine. Then tonight after we got home from the reno thing I suddenly crashed big time. It was unexpected and upsetting to say the least. I really thought at one point that I would pass out. So I tried to pull myself up by my boot straps, took a deep breeath and that helped on the surface.

Sunday March 9th...7:45 am... Didn't sleep very well again last night. Too much coughing. Worry about keeping Eddie awake even though he says not. Still thinking about the crash I experienced last night. I don't want to waste my life being sad and maudlin. I want to have strenght and dignity. WHAT IS, IS AND CANT BE CHANGED FOR THE MOMENT. Maybe though by striving to stay positive mentally I can in some way help to control what is happening. I've always said that I believe that mind over matter can make a difference. Don't wallow in self pitty because it can only be self defeating in the long run. Guess I'll find out how good I am at putting it into action. I want friends and family to feel good about being around me. I don't want them to dread running into me or be afraid to call. I want especially Mom and the kids to feel good after tallking to me. God help me to not make my conversations with them any more depressing than they have to be. WANT, WANT, WANT! That's what Eddie always says. Well hopefully my wanting now is for all the right things for me, Eddie and everyone else. I only want to know that I've done my best each day, that my mind is easy with how I've treated everyone. Espceially Eddie and the rest of the family. That I've asked my higher power for the right guidance and strength.
I read the following from a Greg Isle book today and I couldn't describe my feeling any better. He says, "Plath's metaphor of a bell jar seemed strikingly apt: he feels as though all the air had been sucked out of his life, that he was moving in a vacuum, and that his actions, whatever he might choose to do, would have no meaning or positive consequence in the world." That feeling only surfaces briefly for me from time to time but it is the way I feel when it does. The other day I leaned down to hug Dee Cee (one of our three dogs) and suddenly realized that all these animals I love so much may very well out live me.
The time changed last night and it is now daylight savings time. My favorite time of year. Today is a new day and looks really pretty outside with the sun shining through all the pines. It is so beautiful here. Eddie and I sat in the swing out in the front yard yesterday for a few minutes and it was so quiet and serene. I have thought a lot about moving from here just to be closer to all the amenities and family .I realize now though, that if it turns out I AM SICK, that this is where I want to be able to spend my days in the sun. What we have here is truely a gift of nature. It is our home. I wouln't be seeing our memories anywhere else. We especially Eddie, made this fo us and it is what defines our life together. I love you Eddie. Roseglen is what we are about.

Monday March 10th... was a day without Dr. appts an easy day.

Tuesday March 11th...Jenny set me up with an appt with Dr. Krouse here at the clinic because my breathing was getting tight. Mostly just talked to him and found out that the sputum sample didn't show any cells. He tried to give me couple of positive possibilities. Jane and Vince came up and we went to Irene's for dinner. It was really nice to go out for dinner and just visit like normal.

Wednesday March 12th... Jane and Vince went to the PET SCAN with us today, Jane bought yarn so I can make her a wool hat. I am excited about being able to do that. After the scan we went to lunch at my favorite oriental restaurant and then they left for home. It was so great to have them here for even a short time. Eddie and I then stayed in Redding so we would be sure and have cell service when the results of the PET came through. Eddie spent the afternoon on the phone pestering MD Imaging and both Dr. Krouse and Jenny at Dr. Harwood's office until the rusults were ready. AW SHIT! I HAVE LUNG CANCER.....................................................

Thursday March 13th... had to go to Weaverville today for blood tests etc in preperation for the Bronchial brush and wash scheduled for tomorrow at Trinity Hospital with Dr. Harwood. My veins all collapsed as they were trying to draw blood. The prupose of this test is to try and gather cancer cells so they can be typed as to what kind of lung cancer it is. We are praying it is successful. If not, then the next procedure doesn't sound so easy. More about that later if it has to be done. Don't want to think about it now.

Friday March 14th... Had to be at the hospital by 7:am Carol and Joe, our EXTRA SPECIAL wonderful close friends met us at the hospital and stayed until I came out. The people in Trinity Hospital are so great. Cathy in the lab, Caroline, Lee. Robin lets you pick your music in surgery . She even ran out to get a country CD out of her car for me. Julie the nurse, anesthetitist is so cool. Dr. Harwood is a no BS doctor and I love that about him. They poked, bled and bruised me but were so sweet and appologetic in the process. I woke up from the procedure coughing as expected but wasn't feeling so yuk that I didn't jump at the chance when Carol and Joe wanted to take us to lunch. I've been on prednisone for about 10 days and can't seem to get full. C and J are such fun people to be around. They are truely "friends for the soul".

Saturday March 15th 5:00 PM... Well this brings us up to date and we are done until next Wednesday. Have an appt W/Dr. Harwood then and hope to have the results of yesterdays tests. From there we are hoping to go to UC Davis and see what they can offer in the form of treatment. Frank, John and Jake drove up yesterday from Santa Rosa with their quads and bikes to spend the day riding. It snowed off and on last night too so that was pretty cool. I am glad they are here. I love haveing the kids here making noise. Brad is supposed to be out sometime today. Looking forward to seeing him too.