AW SHIT!

This is my first blog entry and this is from the diary I started on the March 4th, 2008. From today forward THIS WILL BE my diary. I am inviting every one but most especially my family and friends to join me here.

Tuesday March 4th late at night ..I can't sleep tonight because I still have bronchitis and am coughing hard.

Tuesday March 4th ...I went to see Maureen at Hayfork Health Clinic about my bronchitis. This is my second bout of it since the first of the year. I had coughed a tinge of blood so she did an X-ray. It showed "SOMETHING". Oh crap!

Wednesday March 5th...(Eddie's 62 birthday) They order a CT Scan in Weaverville and IT showed "SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS". Oh double crap!

Thursday March 6th...I got a call from Jenny at Dr. Harwood's office. Dr Krouse wants him to see me tomorrow. Sounds ominous.

Friday March7th...We had a not so pleasant visit with Dr. Harwood as he didn't sound very optimistic. Good possibility that it is the "BIG C". There is for sure a nodule in the left lung as well as some enlarged lymph nodes in the same lung. We discussed all the possibilities we could think of: Maybe it isn't cancer and we can just keep an eye on it... maybe it's small cell and can be treated with chemo ...maybe is't non small cell and that's not so treatable. Be careful what questions you ask the Dr. You may not like tha answers. And I didn't.
I left a sputum sample at the hospital to test for cancer cells. Now they've ordered a PET SCAN in Redding at M.D. Nuclear Imaging for Wednesday March 12th. It requires a radioactive injection so now my eyes will paobably glow gree. I've always liked green eyes. This though will tell us positively if I have cancer in my lung or anywhere else.
GOD THIS SUCKS BIG TIME and we just have to wait.

Saturday March 8th...A good day. People are calling. At least the ones that we have told and arene't afraid to talk to us about what is happening. Conni, Mike, Mom, Monica, Janie, Cecelia. Talking to people really helps me cope. I love you all so much for listening and being there for Eddie and me. Janie and Vince are coming up on Tuesday and going to go to the PET with us. You didn't even ask Janie. Thanks for that. You are such a great friend. Eddie finally got the pick- up fixed and we took it to town to get the mail. I raked the annual pine needles out of the flower beds. Don't know why that is so theraputic but it seems to be. Even with the existing emphysema raking has always been something I can do. We also went to the annual Little Reno night and Ropin' Rhonda's. Eddie played black jack and we got some pretty cool gifts with his winnings. It was great being out of the house and just visiting with people. .Eddie is my rock and helping to keep me gounded. Don't know what I would do without him through this. Probably just curl up in a ball. All day today I did just great mentally. Joking about this occasionally and trying to keep it light. Saying it may turn out just fine. Then tonight after we got home from the reno thing I suddenly crashed big time. It was unexpected and upsetting to say the least. I really thought at one point that I would pass out. So I tried to pull myself up by my boot straps, took a deep breeath and that helped on the surface.

Sunday March 9th...7:45 am... Didn't sleep very well again last night. Too much coughing. Worry about keeping Eddie awake even though he says not. Still thinking about the crash I experienced last night. I don't want to waste my life being sad and maudlin. I want to have strenght and dignity. WHAT IS, IS AND CANT BE CHANGED FOR THE MOMENT. Maybe though by striving to stay positive mentally I can in some way help to control what is happening. I've always said that I believe that mind over matter can make a difference. Don't wallow in self pitty because it can only be self defeating in the long run. Guess I'll find out how good I am at putting it into action. I want friends and family to feel good about being around me. I don't want them to dread running into me or be afraid to call. I want especially Mom and the kids to feel good after tallking to me. God help me to not make my conversations with them any more depressing than they have to be. WANT, WANT, WANT! That's what Eddie always says. Well hopefully my wanting now is for all the right things for me, Eddie and everyone else. I only want to know that I've done my best each day, that my mind is easy with how I've treated everyone. Espceially Eddie and the rest of the family. That I've asked my higher power for the right guidance and strength.
I read the following from a Greg Isle book today and I couldn't describe my feeling any better. He says, "Plath's metaphor of a bell jar seemed strikingly apt: he feels as though all the air had been sucked out of his life, that he was moving in a vacuum, and that his actions, whatever he might choose to do, would have no meaning or positive consequence in the world." That feeling only surfaces briefly for me from time to time but it is the way I feel when it does. The other day I leaned down to hug Dee Cee (one of our three dogs) and suddenly realized that all these animals I love so much may very well out live me.
The time changed last night and it is now daylight savings time. My favorite time of year. Today is a new day and looks really pretty outside with the sun shining through all the pines. It is so beautiful here. Eddie and I sat in the swing out in the front yard yesterday for a few minutes and it was so quiet and serene. I have thought a lot about moving from here just to be closer to all the amenities and family .I realize now though, that if it turns out I AM SICK, that this is where I want to be able to spend my days in the sun. What we have here is truely a gift of nature. It is our home. I wouln't be seeing our memories anywhere else. We especially Eddie, made this fo us and it is what defines our life together. I love you Eddie. Roseglen is what we are about.

Monday March 10th... was a day without Dr. appts an easy day.

Tuesday March 11th...Jenny set me up with an appt with Dr. Krouse here at the clinic because my breathing was getting tight. Mostly just talked to him and found out that the sputum sample didn't show any cells. He tried to give me couple of positive possibilities. Jane and Vince came up and we went to Irene's for dinner. It was really nice to go out for dinner and just visit like normal.

Wednesday March 12th... Jane and Vince went to the PET SCAN with us today, Jane bought yarn so I can make her a wool hat. I am excited about being able to do that. After the scan we went to lunch at my favorite oriental restaurant and then they left for home. It was so great to have them here for even a short time. Eddie and I then stayed in Redding so we would be sure and have cell service when the results of the PET came through. Eddie spent the afternoon on the phone pestering MD Imaging and both Dr. Krouse and Jenny at Dr. Harwood's office until the rusults were ready. AW SHIT! I HAVE LUNG CANCER.....................................................

Thursday March 13th... had to go to Weaverville today for blood tests etc in preperation for the Bronchial brush and wash scheduled for tomorrow at Trinity Hospital with Dr. Harwood. My veins all collapsed as they were trying to draw blood. The prupose of this test is to try and gather cancer cells so they can be typed as to what kind of lung cancer it is. We are praying it is successful. If not, then the next procedure doesn't sound so easy. More about that later if it has to be done. Don't want to think about it now.

Friday March 14th... Had to be at the hospital by 7:am Carol and Joe, our EXTRA SPECIAL wonderful close friends met us at the hospital and stayed until I came out. The people in Trinity Hospital are so great. Cathy in the lab, Caroline, Lee. Robin lets you pick your music in surgery . She even ran out to get a country CD out of her car for me. Julie the nurse, anesthetitist is so cool. Dr. Harwood is a no BS doctor and I love that about him. They poked, bled and bruised me but were so sweet and appologetic in the process. I woke up from the procedure coughing as expected but wasn't feeling so yuk that I didn't jump at the chance when Carol and Joe wanted to take us to lunch. I've been on prednisone for about 10 days and can't seem to get full. C and J are such fun people to be around. They are truely "friends for the soul".

Saturday March 15th 5:00 PM... Well this brings us up to date and we are done until next Wednesday. Have an appt W/Dr. Harwood then and hope to have the results of yesterdays tests. From there we are hoping to go to UC Davis and see what they can offer in the form of treatment. Frank, John and Jake drove up yesterday from Santa Rosa with their quads and bikes to spend the day riding. It snowed off and on last night too so that was pretty cool. I am glad they are here. I love haveing the kids here making noise. Brad is supposed to be out sometime today. Looking forward to seeing him too.