I Miss Eddie and Ronnie!

Eddie left today for Ukiah and Santa Rosa. Mom is still sick so she won't be there for surgery. Hopefully she will be better by the end of the week when I am home. Iam really going to miss her.

I spent the day cleaning house and doing laundry. Put the dogs in their pen today for about an hour to see how they will do and besides a little barking they were fine.

I am kicked back in my recliner typing this on my lap top and it is great. I love it. It is 8:30 P.M. and I don't think I have eaten anything today so better do something about that soon, though I'm not even hungry.

I talked to Marina for quite awhile. She is great to talk with. Carol M. called today too and it was great talking to her too. I am so much better when I can talk to someone for even a little while about this insane disease. It is a horid, stinking, sickening, putrid, suckie disease. BUT for the moment I feel just fine. Wierd huh?

When I take a break from whatever I am doing and I stop to think about it, I have to say to myself, "I have cancer". I have to say it emphatically or it doesn't sink in and then it only has merit for the moment. The next time it comes to mind I have to do it all over again. I don't know why, maybe it is the minds way of coping with something so devastating.

I think most of us have had bad things happen and when you wake up in the morning it takes a moment for the reaization of that bad thing to come to you. Well that is happening to me every day now. When I wake up I know something is wrong but it truely takes that moment to remember what it is. It doesn't upset me it just reminds me that I have to get through another day and try to do the best I can.

I miss Eddie. I will miss him even more tomorrow morning. He is almost always up before me and as soon as he knows I am awake he runs in and gives me hugs and kissses then brings me coffee. He is so good for and to me.

I know we all think it is someone else that gets cancer. I know I did and I don't think I have gotten passed thinking that.

I remember when I learned that my brother had LC. I got a phone call from Mom. We lived just a couple of blocks from each other. She said Ronnie was there and he wanted me to come down so he could talk to me. I told my husband, "I don't want to go down there". My instincts told me that our lives were going to change for the worse. When I walked in the door he was standing there waiting for me and said, "I have lung caner". I remember throwing my purse across the room and starting to cry. At that moment I was so angry and it was about my feelings and the loss I was afraid of. Then I turned back to him for hugs. I miss Ronnie.

I love you all K.